Through a season of heartache, mistakes, transition, and loss it has been more than difficult to focus on the Kingdom. When I prayed at the beginning of the year for what God had for me to do this year He gave me Matthew 6:33.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
I was supposed to focus on the Kingdom. It has been difficult with all the distractions, but I know it was exactly because of those distractions and road blocks that God made sure I was trying to focus on the Kingdom. It has been next to impossible to focus, but His word has been a constant reminder. A reminder that I'm not walking alone, but He is here with me.
I lost my best friend of 20 years July 10th. It's been less than three weeks. My heart is more than broken, if that is even possible. Teri was strong, but compassionate. Straight forward and honest. If she loved you, she loved you with all she was and no one changed her mind. We never had a disagreement. We have laughed together and shed tears together, we danced together, were ornery together, and at the end we prayed together. She was more than my best friend, she was my sister soulmate.
My counselor (yes, I needed to see a Christian counselor and he is amazing) reminded me that God stores our tears in a bottle.
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each on in your book.
All I know is he must have a really big bottle for all the tears I have cried. But He loves me that much that my tears mean that much to Him!
Even a few days ago I wasn't sure my heart would survive this. In the last two and half weeks I have questioned my faith, my purpose, and asked why. How am I suppose to fill this huge hole in my heart? How will I recover? Teri doesn't hurt anymore. She is having a party with Jesus. But we are left here with an empty spot where she lived in our hearts. I am truly thankful and blessed for the time I had with her over the years. I'm especially thankful for the time I have had with her the last few months. Life doesn't stop....it continually moves forward, but I haven't been sure how to do that, if I could do that.
The wound is deep, but yet another promise from God:
He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
The last few days it has been like a light has come on. I opened myself up to the Holy Spirit where I have been trying to close a door. Fear of hurt and loss. I couldn't bear anymore. But it was like God took me in His arms and hugged me and told me it's going to be ok. I can quit focusing on past hurts and loss, I can remember the wonderful time I got to spend with my Teri, I can be sad, but also rejoice knowing that I will see her again. I can have his peace. I just have to tell Him what I need.
He is so faithful to restore us (Psalm 23:3). I am seeing light at the end of this very long tunnel. Things are not going to be perfect. Jesus told us we would have many sorrows on this earth (John 16:33), but He died on a cross so that I can be free and overcome this world.
He found me in sin. He loved me before I knew Him. He doesn't expect my perfection. He offers His forgiveness. It's true...we are a constant work in progress. I'm not sure when this season will end and the next begin, but if I have learned anything over the last few years is just to let God be God. Sometimes we just have to be still.
This may not mean anything to anyone but me. Maybe I just needed to get it out. Maybe you need to know that you don't have to be perfect and no matter what season you are in there is light at the end of the tunnel and God is truly with you. What i do know is I have no doubt these are the times He carries me. There could be no other way.
Do not fear, for I am with you.
Don't be discouraged, For I am your God.
i will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Just some thoughts......